*This blog post is modified from an Instagram post from June 2, 2020.*
When I polled on my Instagram, this was the highest requested response. You ask, I deliver! I had originally been avoiding this question because I focus on empowerment, but I feel that addressing the factors that take away from your message and your power, even if they are unintended, is just as important. I’ve also found myself having this conversation a lot lately. Yes, it can feel ridiculous that we even have to address this, but it is necessary to ensure that women are listened to when we speak out. Without further ado, let’s jump right in! The phrase “not ALL men…” is often used in response to women’s claims about men instigating and perpetrating gender bias, sexual assault, and other forms of gender-based discrimination and violence. It is extremely harmful for many reasons, and here is the biggest one. When women speak up about the issues they face, the message often gets convoluted and shifted because men respond defensively rather than attempting to listen and commit to change. They distract from the message; everyone KNOWS that all men are not the same. When men respond with this message, they distract from the original point that was made and redirect the conversation to center around themselves, which ends up silencing women further. So how should you respond? Yes, it can be exasperating to even address this. Yet, if you don’t, the original message won’t come through. Acknowledge them and make clear that you aren’t accusing them personally, but rather a structure that allows men to behave in these ways. You can also acknowledge that yes, not all men, but enough men that most women have experienced these things. This shouldn’t take more than a couple minutes. Then, move on. Reinforce the point that was initially made and expand upon it. It is crucial that you do not allow the narrative to move away from the initial message in order to stop the cycle of distraction and ensure that progress is made. Once you’ve acknowledged and moved in, ignore any more complaints that they have. A calm and logical response like this will prove much more effective, even if you feel exasperated that you are constantly having this conversation. Hopefully, the more you respond in this way, the more people will understand, and you’ll find yourself having this conversation less and less often. It can be difficult and annoying, but it is necessary. Hope this was helpful!
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Neha SaggiFounder and director of LeadHERship. Archives
March 2021
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